...

i worry so much over things that, with time and effort, resolve themselves. i have no idea how to stop worshipping at the altar of worry, i have no idea how to just trust because trust is such an alien concept to me. deep down, i believe that nothing can be trusted or relied on fully, and that an exit plan needs to be in the back of my mind at all times. trust takes decades to build and, at least with the people i'm around, no one wants to put in that effort. therefore, they are eternally held at arm's length until they can show me that they can be trusted + what they say aligns with their actions.

i can't believe i've been called hurt or damaged for having what i think are decent boundaries- trust needs to be built, there is no reason for trust to exist if it isn't built and maintained. i let other people's judgements of me wear down my defenses, leaving me vulnerable and miserable to all the things that have happened within the past few years. it took so long for me to start regaining control of my meat suit, eradicating other people's voices from my head. idk. i've learned that i like to be alone a lot more, much more than being alone in a room full of people.

everything is in stasis right now. d-day for my move/major life transition is approaching. all i can do is hold my breath.