...

i long to find meaning and beauty in every little miserable thing that has happened to me but sometimes, evil is evil and things just happen. and that's all there is to it. i don't know what the purpose of any of it is. i don't think there even is a purpose.

i feel embarassed by my strong desire for love and yet am simultaneously trying to accept it as part of the human condition. whenever "love" enters my life it's just another test, another check to see if i can walk away before it's too late. love does not bode well for me in the near future too apparently, as my lenormand readings for the rest of the year yield the exact warning i get whenever i try to re-open my heart: do not get eaten alive by the lions.

i'm about to move to a new place where i will be living alone for the first time since 2018. i need to not get distracted by my loneliness so i can succeed. i'm in my final year of my grad program and need to really push through it so i can live the life i have always wanted. i can't lose, i can't fail this time. no matter how lonely i am, i cannot possibly live with myself if i let myself down again simply because i cannot bear to be by my lonesome.